Mourning...

A few months ago, I went through a period of mourning... again. I came to the conclusion...again, that my child will never be "typical." Typical is a word that parents of autistic children use to refer to normally development kids who process information in the typical manner. I had one of those 'It's not going to get me anywhere' daydreams where I thought about how Jacob would be if he wasn't in the spectrum. This type of thinking is so futile and silly. My child is what he is, and trying to figure out the 'what could have beens' doesn't help our situation one iota. All of this came crashing back to me tonight when I read this quote by a doctor talking to the parent of a newly diagnosed child.

"MOURN THE LOSS OF THE CHILD YOU THOUGHT YOU WOULD HAVE, SO YOU CAN ACCEPT THE CHILD YOU DO HAVE."

I seem to go through these mourning periods over and over. I come to grips with life as we know it and the unforseeable future, tell God that I know He has a greater plan than I can see and move on. But every once in a while, it sneaks up on me. 'It' being the normal child. I can get envious of my friends with unaffected children. "Do they appreciate what they have?" I ask myself. "No," is my resentful response. "They think their child is difficult, but they don't know what difficult is." Their child doesn't get stared at for being different. They think their child's tantrums are hard to handle, but they haven't ever walked on egg shells around their own toddler. Anger, sadness and jealousy surge to the surface in me. The part of me that wants it "easy."

Jacob isn't easy, but God, I love him so much. There is a fierceness in me when it comes to my child and helping him. I can't imagine my life without him in it. I can't imagine our family without his presence, so I continue to mourn the boy that I didn't have and celebrate the boy I was given to love. I keep praying that God shows me how to love him the way he needs to be loved and that I can accept him, challenges and all.

Autism: The Musical

AUTISM: THE MUSICAL counters bleak statistics with 1 womans optimistic pledge to lead a group of autistic children in defying diagnosed expectations by writing, rehearsing and performing their own full-length musical. Following 5 LA children over the course of 6 months, director Tricia Regan captures the struggles and triumphs of their family lives and observes how this musical production gives these performers a comfort zone where they explore their creative sides.



After hearing about this documentary several times, I decided to buy it, and watch as a way of learning more about my son. I expected it to be maudlin and depressing, and at times it was extremely sad. However, watching these children and their parents struggle and succeed was a hopeful experience too.


The thing that most surprised me most was what I learned about my own child from watching these other children on the autistic spectrum. As I observed these kids, I saw my own. Things that I always assumed were "just Jacob" were revealed to me to not be Jacob mannerisms, but autistic mannerisms. It was comforting in a strange way, because it explained quite a lot about him.


In our trips to our specialist, I have been fascinated to see other children who have been diagnosed too. I do my very best not to stare at them, but I see kids who appear like my own, and I am drawn to them and their behaviors. The lunging movements, the strange sounds, the aimlessness of their wandering, their lack of eye contact and often their silliness. There are other children who act this way? Yes, and it is comforting to me that Jacob is not the only one. Isn't that odd? I have learned that my child is different but the same. Watching the musical has helped my look at my child, my marriage and my other son in a new way- one with clearer lenses. I am more patient, and I am more aware.

I am glad that I bought the documentary and I plan to show to my son (for as long as he watches it), my husband and my friends who have been touched by autism.

What this blog is all about...

My son Jacob is 5 years old and we are almost 2 years into our journey with Autism Spectrum disorders. As of right now, some believe him to have Asperger's syndrome. Some believe PDD-NOS. And there are some who believe it is ADHD. Whatever his diagnosis is right now, we have found help in the Autism community of care.

I believe it is most important to focus on helping my son in the areas that he struggles, and it doesn't matter so much what his label is on paper. What matters is that there are treatments and resources that are benefitting him, and that he is growing stronger emotionally, communicating more effectively and functioning appropriately in the world. Isn't that what every parent wants for their child, whether they have a developmental delay or not?

My prayer is that the information you find here will help you and your child in their journey with autism spectrum disorders. I will share websites, books, resources and treatments that we have personally benefitted from.