Painful Parenting

It's a good thing that parenting is a marathon and not a sprint, because if it were, then Chris and I would have been disqualified tonight. We had a terrible case of poor parenting which would look like a hamstring pull or a stomach cramp gone terribly wrong.

Tonight we started baseball with Jacob. Now, here in Texas where sports are 'King', we thought we would be safe putting him in the Fall league. The one that's supposed to be less competitive and more about drills and skills. Our first night of practice was an evaluation... that lasted almost 2 1/2 hours. Started at 6pm and ended at what for Jacob is his bedtime. Bad news. He is currently off his medications and not doing so great. Bad news. He has never played a game of baseball before. More bad news.

So, at the end of all this, we should have been prepared for the meltdown that occurred over a popsicle that ended up on the bleachers and not in his mouth. Should have been prepared. His now inevitable meltdown into perseveration and irrationality should not have been so shocking to us and yet it was. We did not handle this well, although we did recover somewhat after we got home. We asked for Jacob's forgiveness, each other's forgiveness and eventually God's forgiveness.

Sometimes I wonder why God gave us Jacob- we seem so unprepared and ill-meant to parent him well. And then I remember that what I am doing when I doubt, is questioning the God of the entire universe. He knows what He is doing, even though I doubt him many times, like tonight.

And that is why I know that parenting is a marathon and not a sprint- because parenting is a euphemism for sanctification. Sanctification is not easy or short or free from care, but I know that my God is in control and that "all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." So... I cry and I pray and I repent and I kiss those sweet cheeks and hope for a better day tomorrow with God's help.

He brings restoration

On Sunday, there was some miscommunication and we took our boys to church thinking there would be childcare at the "younger folks" service. Well, needless to say, the hallway was dark and quiet at 7:05pm- things did not look good. We metaphorically pulled our pants up and took them into the service. Being only 5 and 3 years of age and used to going to Sunday School, they did much better than we thought. Quiet during the announcements and even through most of the music. Luke, being 3, got bored rather quickly. But Jacob surprised us. He was attentive. He tried to read the words on the screen. He even sang along with one of the songs. It was a song based on Psalm 30:11, "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness."
Our autism journey has been messy. It's been painful. It is confusing and overwhelming at times. But all of that makes the joy so much sweeter. To stand by my son, his arm around me, and hear his sweet voice singing about God turning our sadness into joy- that makes it all worth it. Truly it does!
"You take my mourning and turn it into dancing, you take my weeping and turn it into laughing, you take my mourning and turn it into dancing, you take my sadness and turn it into joy. You bring restoration, You bring restoration, You bring restoration to my soul." It is in these moments, that I am firmly convinced that God's plan for us is good, despite it being sometimes hard and painful. God can use it ALL for good.

Mourning...

A few months ago, I went through a period of mourning... again. I came to the conclusion...again, that my child will never be "typical." Typical is a word that parents of autistic children use to refer to normally development kids who process information in the typical manner. I had one of those 'It's not going to get me anywhere' daydreams where I thought about how Jacob would be if he wasn't in the spectrum. This type of thinking is so futile and silly. My child is what he is, and trying to figure out the 'what could have beens' doesn't help our situation one iota. All of this came crashing back to me tonight when I read this quote by a doctor talking to the parent of a newly diagnosed child.

"MOURN THE LOSS OF THE CHILD YOU THOUGHT YOU WOULD HAVE, SO YOU CAN ACCEPT THE CHILD YOU DO HAVE."

I seem to go through these mourning periods over and over. I come to grips with life as we know it and the unforseeable future, tell God that I know He has a greater plan than I can see and move on. But every once in a while, it sneaks up on me. 'It' being the normal child. I can get envious of my friends with unaffected children. "Do they appreciate what they have?" I ask myself. "No," is my resentful response. "They think their child is difficult, but they don't know what difficult is." Their child doesn't get stared at for being different. They think their child's tantrums are hard to handle, but they haven't ever walked on egg shells around their own toddler. Anger, sadness and jealousy surge to the surface in me. The part of me that wants it "easy."

Jacob isn't easy, but God, I love him so much. There is a fierceness in me when it comes to my child and helping him. I can't imagine my life without him in it. I can't imagine our family without his presence, so I continue to mourn the boy that I didn't have and celebrate the boy I was given to love. I keep praying that God shows me how to love him the way he needs to be loved and that I can accept him, challenges and all.

Friend or not?

Recently, my heart hurt for my son. Social skills are difficult for him. His preschool class this past year was 90% girls and only 5 boys. One of the other boys Samuel was a good friend to Jake, but the other boys weren't that close with him. They were by no means unkind, they just weren't as friendly. This past week we ran into one of these little boys around town. I encouraged Jacob to go say hi to him. Jacob went up and told the child where he knew him from and asked would he like to play with him. The boy, turned up his nose at Jacob and wouldnt answer him. I dont know if he was shy, didnt remember Jake or didnt want to play with him. All I know is that when I asked him later, Jacob said that he was sad that he couldnt play with his schoolmate.
I know that every child is exposed to this behavior, but I ache to know that it is probably because Jake has problem playing appropriately and being on the same level as other boys his age. He still likes playing with toys that his 3 year old brother likes and sometimes, I have to encourage him to pick more 'mature' toy choices.
I am encouraged by his growth socially over the last few months. He is doing so well, that many people dont even realize that he's delayed.
I keep reminding myself that the point of life is not to be well liked or get along with everyone- the point of life is to know and love your Creator and serve Him with all of the unique talents that He provides you. Jacob has the gift of laughter and charm. He is full of energy and liveliness. He likes everyone and doesnt look down on anyone. What a gift.
Because of his comprehension issues with language, Chris and I struggle with how to help him understand who God is and how they can have a relationship together. I must rest in the fact that God loves him more than I ever could and that He'll take care of that, and I just need to be faithful to him by loving Christ with all of me, and Jacob will see God's love in me. Trust. I trust that God is my friend and he wont turn up His nose at me or my son.

Summertime

We have always had Jacob in individual sports, for obvious reasons. Social skills are difficult for him. But this summer we prayerfully decided to try a team sport- indoor soccer. As any parent will tell you, watching your child struggle is like having your heart ripped out of your chest cavity and having it stomped on by a 300 pound man wearing cleats.

Seriously, it has been hard. Not for him mind you, but for Chris and I. It is hard to see him skipping on the field, not hearing his coach or paying attention to where the ball is on the field; knowing he is in another world somewhere- having a great time, but not here on earth with us. He has made some progress for sure and he is enjoying himself. He loves being around 2 of the kids on his team a lot and likes wearing all the 'gear.'

We want Jacob to grow, but man is it hard to experience. God is showing me the high expectations that I have not only for myself, but also my child. My beautful, imperfect child. I grieve him not being 'normal' or 'typical,' whatever you want to call it, because I know he will struggle. And despite the fact thtat I know that trials develop perseverance and faith, I so hate to see him go through them. Why? God can totally use his disorder for Jake's good, for my good, for Chris' good, for Luke's good, for a stranger's good. I guess I dont like pain, especially my child's. But, God knows that and He shows me grace everyday. So... challenge your child, because they won't grow if they don't try.

What this blog is all about...

My son Jacob is 5 years old and we are almost 2 years into our journey with Autism Spectrum disorders. As of right now, some believe him to have Asperger's syndrome. Some believe PDD-NOS. And there are some who believe it is ADHD. Whatever his diagnosis is right now, we have found help in the Autism community of care.

I believe it is most important to focus on helping my son in the areas that he struggles, and it doesn't matter so much what his label is on paper. What matters is that there are treatments and resources that are benefitting him, and that he is growing stronger emotionally, communicating more effectively and functioning appropriately in the world. Isn't that what every parent wants for their child, whether they have a developmental delay or not?

My prayer is that the information you find here will help you and your child in their journey with autism spectrum disorders. I will share websites, books, resources and treatments that we have personally benefitted from.